Hump-day blues

Wednesday morning. By the end of today it’ll be over half way through the week; a day worth celebrating. Tomorrow is Thursday (you can tell why I’m studying at masters level) and campus day. It’s also week 5 and almost half way through the first semester.

I woke this morning with the unhelpful thought of how much I didnt know; how much I’ve got learn; how little time I’ve got to learn it AND how likely I am to fail. Not the most positive start to a dark and gloomy but surprisingly dry Manchester day.

All of that compounded by arriving at the station to travel to the Sheffield office without my work-pass as evidence of my failure. Most truly a bear of very little brain.

It would be so very easy to allow these negative thoughts to entangle me in that tightening spiral which John Green describes so eloquently in ‘Turtles all the way down. It takes much more effort to work against them than to embrace them. And I am sooo tired.

The tunnel is at it’s black dog blackest so I must imagine the light at the other end. That light is magnificent. It’s twinkling ahead almost tangible yet not. It’s the light of the myriad festivals which the human condition uses to battle against the darkness of winter.

It’s the light of snowdrops and daffodils nurtured in darkness to stand defiantly in the brief days of spring. It’s the light of the soft summer sun sparkling on warming waters. It’s the unquenchable light of the human spirit seeking to offer support across never-ending strife.

It’s hope. That double-edged sword which is hump-day. The joy of learning and the fear of failing. 

That’s all a bit deep just because I had a nightmare and forgot my pass!! 

Learning is joyous AND it is a struggle. Sometimes the distance to the end seems overwhelmingly and the negative committee inside my head becomes louder and more intrusive, not listening to them takes most of my energies. Travelling tjis line to Sheffield through and beneath the Pennines is a reasonable analogy on a day like today.

The tunnels are long and very dark and then ‘ping’ you’re in the gentle brightness of a sunkissed autumn morning. Like life. Like learning. The darkness helps you appreciate the light.

Studying is a struggle at the moment but that means the light at the end is so much more precious and warming. 

Next week is reading week and a chance to breathe and catch up with the things I’ve found hard and go over the bits which come easily. The hump-week.

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